Today in little old Tulsa, it is foggy, rainy, and in the 70s. My all time favorite weather. Why? Because I feel all snuggly and like I could stay in bed all day.. But nope that can't happen because here I am, sitting at work bored to tears. Do you know what boredom leads me to? It leads me back to old memories of you. Don't get me wrong, I love the memories but they are also a slap in the face... Maybe even a punch in the stomach also. I always tell myself that I'm done with you but then I also end up telling myself that you will come back. What does this lead me to? Confusion, lots and lots of it. I end up convincing myself that I am happy without you but then there is a day like this that makes me feel like I'm not. These days don't happen too much but when they do happen it hits me a lot harder each time. Then I just want to text you, even though I know I won't be recieving a text back.. I started to type out this really long message, maybe about 3 pages, and then I realize you probably won't even read it.. Maybe my number might even be blocked.. Who knows? All that I really want, or what I think I really want, is for you to give me some closure so I can move on and apperciate the thing we used to have. Because you know that I still love you and always will. Please don't take advantage of that.

Changed sites..
At my school there are rules about going to sites like: Facebook, Myspace, Xanga, and any other social site. I always used to laugh at how Xanga always made it to the list. I thought to myself haha who still gets on Xanga.. But look at me now. Who can resist a open diary to share with others? Well I obviously can't..

So anyways I have been thinking that I need to lose 30 pounds and maybe more. I used to go to a spin class twice a week with my sister at 5:45 a.m. Once it started to get cold I gave up on it. I felt like I was gaining conifidence and I was getting fit again. Last summer I believe I went swimming about 5 times because I wasn't comfortable with my weight. I mostly blame myself for my weight but my mom said to me like a year ago how when my parents started to fight and when the divorce started to happen I started to eat my feelings. My mom would catch me sneaking snacks before dinner and etc. Now that really upset me.. It made me think so other people put me into this position?? Well thats not very fair. But I can't blame them. I am not a person that shares my feelings with people. Don't get me wrong, but when I'm pissed you know it. When I am confused you will know it. And when I feel strongly about something my opinion will be made known. Just the sad depressing things usually never come up with me. That really rarely happens when I'm drunk. Sad but true. I sometimes think it might be a thing where I don't want to feel weak. I don't want people to think I'm sensitive. But I really am. So then I end up bottling it all up inside me, then it ends up tearing me up and eating my insides. I know gross image right? But that's how it feels sometimes. See my mom just came in my room and started asking me questions. Ugh, I have been trying to get my own car for about a couple months now.. But my dad is in charge of the paying and stuff. Basically, its very stressful and my mom always asks me questions about it. Honestly its not that I don't want her to care I'm just really pissed off about it. Whatever. OHHHHHH this is one thing that really pisses me off is therapists... I seriously hate them. Sorry to say it but I do. One day last year my mom picked me up to school and we weren't going our normal way home so I asked where are we going mom? And she said oh you will see. She surprised me with a little trip to a therapist... SERIOUSLY??? What. The. Hell. Like do you seriously think I have so many problems you can't even ask me about it??  Oh I could go on for days, no actually months about my mom. Okay but back to the weight thing, I recently told myself that I was going to give up pop. But tonight at dinner that went down the drain.. I hate myself for that. A couple months ago I started to throw up after big meals, I didn't really consider myself bulimic... But I only did it when I over ate. I didn't really like it but I did it anyways. It wasn't easily though because at school I would never do it and at home I did it when my mom wasn't around. I don't do it anymore but I think I might start up again...